A little bit of everything

Having a hard time knowing where to begin with this blog……… so I just wrote exactly what popped into my head so if it doesn’t make sense that is why

You never really are fully prepared to handle when someone dies…..no matter how much advance notice you get.

I am just realizing now how scared I am….I think that I we have been so busy with life that I haven’t really thought hey, Shawn’s mom really is going to be gone. I don’t think I have really come to the realization that this is reality.

Carly has been so sick with a cold she has such an awful cough…scares the crap out of you sometimes I didn’t think that someone so little could get such a HUGE adult cough. I now understand what mom’s feel like when their kids are sick. You want to be able to take it all away and get them better. I didn’t sleep very well constantly checking the crib to see if she was alright. She is doing much better now still has her cough but it is WAY better.

We moved Shawn’s mom out of her apartment thanks to my family we got it done fairly quickly. So SAD. It was hard very emotional. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and weep.

I kept thinking so this is what it comes to…our time on earth. We work so hard at getting ahead just to smack right into a wall at the end. It makes me appreciate the little things.

TIME! We don’t have much time, instead of missing out on fun things because we are working or to tired or doing laundry etc etc. I need to focus on the people that matter the most. Memories with people you love are far more important than the things that I own.

I feel like I have been a pretty bad friend lately, I have not really kept in touch with anyone. I am not sure what it is but staying at home all warm and cozy has seemed to feel more safe than anything. It is like when I go outside reality hits…..Like oh man here we go what can happen next…..crazy I know but its how I think sometimes.

I have promised myself that I will be a better friend. To catch up with those I love because I realize now that is what we need more than ever.

I have a great family. My mom and dad do everything for Shawn and I. I am so blessed to have them. I am so thankful that they are so great, don’t think Shawn and I could do it without them!! Also my brother and his family as well…..everyone is so understanding and willing to jump in and help whenever. Being surrounded by family gives me the same feeling I have on Christmas morning…….I love it. There is nothing better!!!

I come from a BIG Family…..just recently I unfortunately had to attend my Grannie’s funeral it was SO hard but having my LARGE and by large I mean HUGE family there and seeing everyone again was a blast. I know that Grannie would have loved it. I know that she DID love it watching all of us together.

Anyway, this is getting so long…… I am impressed if you are still reading till this point as I often ramble and things don’t often make sense…… but yeah

This is all I have for now……

Until next blog…….

Gifted Little Girl

I have to say, I have never had kids before but Carly is one gifted girl.

I am not sure where they are supposed to be at depending on age and all but I never expected at six months that our little girl would be not only crawling but pulling herself up and walking along our couch.

SIX MONTHS....it seems extreme but hey what do I know.

Though I would share because I am proud of our little girl.

She is a beauty!

Shawn

There are few things in our life right now that seem to be going right but I have to tell you that I am so in love with my husband.

Sometimes lately it seems we only have time to be more roommates than husband and wife but I am constantly amazed at his strength. Not for one moment does he stop and think about himself. Not for one moment does he just say okay leave me alone I need to be me for a minute he is constantly seeing if I am okay or his siblings are okay and the list goes on.

I am constantly reminding him that he is allowed to feel however he wants right now. That he is allowed to push us all aside and think of himself but he doesn’t. I am not sure that if I had to watch my mom dying in a hospital bed everyday I would be able to focus on anything but myself but somehow he does.


I am so honoured to be his wife.

I am more in love with him every day that I wake up than I was when I went to bed the night before. He is a good reminder that there are still decent faithful people in this world.

My prayer is that I can be the kind of wife that he deserves. I want to be able to lift him up and make him laugh, when he laughs at my jokes I feel important and when he wraps his arms around me I feel safe.

How did I ever get so lucky.

I am so privileged that amongst all the chaos I have a husband that provides a calm steadiness in my life.

I can tell you when I woke up this morning that I didn’t really want to get out of bed. Facing life right now has been the toughest thing I have had to do in my life, but being able to face it with someone I love and I know who loves me makes it worth getting out of bed.

Thank you Jesus for reminding me today that I am not alone and that I have an incredible man to walk beside.

An Update

So just thought I would update you all on what is happening with us.

Shawn’s mom is in the hospital, she has been sick for quite awhile…..She found out that she had stage four cervical cancer about two years ago the cancer spread to her lungs and then she had surgery to remove the cancer from her lungs and radiation on her cervix. We were told that she was cancer free last year and were very excited.

This year the cancer returned. It has now spread to the point of no treatment. She has been in the hospital for almost two weeks now and is very weak. She has entered the palliative care program but we are not certain whether she will be moved to a nursing home or just stay in the hospital. At this point she is not communicating very well and only sometimes recognizes us.
We are preparing ourselves for the worst as we know it is on its way. We have been to the hospital every night for two or three hours spending time with her and talking with doctors.

Shawn is doing okay. He is very angry at the moment which he is allowed to be. I am having hard time trying to figure out how to be there for him. I am a talker (I know that comes as a surprise to most of you but I am)…. I am finding that I just need to shut my mouth, nothing I say can bring Shawn’s mom back to better health, I often find myself sitting feeling helpless watching my husband go through the hardest time in his life and not being able to do anything about it.

As for Carly I think that we actually have good news this time.

CFS called us and said that they are tired of Carly’s mom’s games so they are taking her as a permanent ward and they are sending an adoption agent to come and see us and to go over a few things with us.

So that sounds positive I am going to keep my head up and hopefully they will follow through with what they say this time. We are trying not to get our hopes up as they have said this before and not followed through with it but a small glimpse of hope is always good.

We are trying not to stress ourselves out over the little things like money and stuff but when we are going to have to pay for an adoption and a funeral all around the same time it is very hard but God has provided for us before so I am sure he will again.

Anyway, Thank you all for your support thus far It always feels like I am complaining on this blog. I never meant to have the blog so I could complain it was more for keeping in touch but I suppose I will have great news to post one day once we get past all this tough stuff.

Just another day on this emotional roller costar…….

Got a call from Carly’s social worker, once again her mom is back and saying she wants Carly again. Saying she screwed up and wants help.

So needless to say the system wants to give her yet another chance. So they are no longer going to go for a permanent ward placement but they are going for another three month extension.

I am not sure what else to write as I am pretty much done. I have been spending the week in the hospital with Shawn’s mom and dealing CFS…… WE ARE STRESSED TO THE MAX!!!

I was asked today whether or not I am re thinking whether or not we should have taken Carly and the answer is HELL NO haahaa I am still so happy that I get to spend time with this incredible little girl, but I am getting really sick of the system. I mean, I already have been but I think I am about done dealing with them. I have to take a back seat and let God do the rest which I have been trying to do but Man……..This time I am DONE.

I am rambling because I am in shock but just another prayer request. Carly needs a safe home, and it is very apparent to me and to most people that Carly’s mom cannot provide that for her, she cannot even provide a safe place for herself.

How much more can we handle..............God surely knows we are at our end.....right????

That’s all I got…….

Where to Start............

Last week we were told that Carly’s mom was making good progress and that Child and Family Services were moving forward with placing Carly back with her by Christmas time.

First of all I was devastated but I figured you know she has to prove herself for another two months before having her back. I know being sixteen and having to make adult decisions can’t be the easiest I know I would not have been ready at sixteen, so I was kind of happy to see her step up and try.

The thing that I was most concerned about was how she is going to last with full time motherhood. I have only been doing this for three months I am quickly learning what a HUGE job it is being a mom, although I have also quickly learned that I am SOOOO in love with it!!!!

Today, I got a phone call from Carly’s social worker saying that Carly’s mom had run away again. They have no idea where she is and they can only assume that she is back on drugs again.

Now our three months original place of safety is up on October 27th. This is when they will go back to court to take Carly as a permanent ward of Child and Family Services. Once this goes through/ hopefully goes through Shawn and I are able to apply for adoption.

Although instantly we have our hopes up and are running and jumping with joy we still have a LONG road ahead.

BUT GOD SURE DOES ANSWER PRAYERS!!!!!!!!

I am so thankful to all of you who have prayed so hard for us over the last few months and those of you who I know will continually pray for us.

I am continuing to pray that we will be able to adopt her and that I will be able to tell her one day about all the people who prayed for her when she was younger! What a blessing you all have been to us.

Yesterday Shawn’s mom ended up in the hospital and she is going to be okay but Shawn and I just sat there in that waiting room talking about what the heck! How can our lives for the last two years be sooo hard with so many hurdles to jump over and tests that God gives us and how are we ever going to make it. Sure enough he answers back instantly he gives us a glimpse of himself and what is capable of doing and we are so humble by that.

God answers prayers!

He is still holding us close and walking us through this process. Please continue to pray with us that he will continue you walk with us through the process of maybe being able to adopt Carly and for us to have her permanently. THANK YOU SO SO SO much for your prayers and support you guys are very very close to our hearts and we can’t even begin to thank you for how you do for us even if only a prayer!!!

Love you all

Two Weeks Left

Well our three month term with Carly is winding down. We are not sure what the future holds yet for her. We are still praying that she will be placed with us permanently. Please can you continue to pray.We have been so encouraged by everyone's prayers.

It looks like Carly will probably end up going back with her Birth Mom, if this is the case I hope Carly is safe and does well there.

I am still being selfish and thinking that the best place for her is with us. Something about coming from a two parent home with two income's and the fact that we are completely and utterly in love with this little munchkin makes me think it is for the best.

Anyways that is just a little update. We NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO WEEKS My heart is already breaking but I knew it would come to this, it is what we signed up for but oh man its hard!!!!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers!!!

Will keep you updated.

No Faith in the System

I have to say that our world is a sad place.

Most of my posts ends up being mostly about Carly but that's all that is really going on in my life.

How can a service that is set up to protect our children be so harmful on them instead. How is it possible that Child and Family Services can forget about the child we are trying to protect. I am blown away that I can call our Social Worker and I know more information about the case than she does.

I have had visitations cancelled and rescheduled and cancelled and rescheduled all at the convience of the mother of the child who she abandoned in the first place. As far as I am concerned if it was my child that had been taken away and I really truly wanted to get her back I would be bending over backwards to do anything I could to see her whenever I could.

When did the system turn from helping the child in need to helping the parent in question. I realise that they need help the mother too but shouldn't priority # 1 be the 5 month old child who never asked to be brought into this world but was and now is placed smack dab in the middle of a really really shitty situation. (Sorry for the curse but shitty is the only way to describe this situation.)

How can we forget her? Who is the voice for this child.

I am sick to death watching Carly go to visitation after visitation coming home a wreck. She does not eat, sleep, smile or laugh. (If you have met her she is the happiest most content kid in the world otherwise) She sits and stares like a zombie for hours afterwords. She is so confused that she is making herself physically ill.

Where does it all end for her? I can't even begin to imagine what she must feel inside. I know she is only 5 months but I feel like she has more life experience than me.

The REALLY sad part about this is this in only one of thousands of kids who do this everyday and a lot of them know exactly what is going on.

How many times do we need to watch on the news about another case of child abuse or child neglect before our Government will step in and do something about this. My heart breaks for all the innocent children who get dealt a crappy hand at life. How many of them get lost in the shuffle?

God sure has put my faith to the test with this one. There really is nothing that we can do but pray. I pray all day everyday that God will give this little beauty a place where she can finally relax and be herself. I wish I could take this all away from her.

My Heart Hurts for Carly.......what more can we do without Shawn and I looking like the bad guys......

At the end of the day though, I have been blessed more than I could have ever imagined by this little child when she smiles I get a glipse of what heaven will be like

Pictures of Carly

Big Brother

I have to admit to you all that I have been addicted to Big Brother this season. I have watched on and off over the years that it has been on air but I have never gotten so into it.

I am going to place the blame on my mother in law. I actually started getting into the show because my mother in law would always talk to me about it. She knew that I didn't watch the show but she would talk to me about these people like they were apart of my life.

So being the good daughter in law that I am, (instead of just nodding my head and smiling like I do when she talks to me about her soap operas) I decided I would watch so I could discuss with her.

I am hooked.

I am hooked on this completely ridculus show with people would no doubt stab eachother in the back for 1/2 million dollars.

I am now beginning to think that I could actually do fairly well at it. Not because I have a habbit of stabbing people in the back, but just because I think I could fly under the radar (Ha me fly under the radar wishful thinking right) I don't think I would be able to keep my big mouth shut!

My collegue and I often discuss if our work place was the big brother house who would go first and who would we vote off. Is it bad for me to constantly be thinking how can I futher myself in the game when really I am not playing the game........

Anyways not really sure why I decided to write all of this other than I feel a little pathetic about my Big Brother addiction but it sure has made my mother in law happy and every married women knows, if you can make your mother in law happy than life gets a little easier haahaa.

bye for now.

ps. its the final show tonight so if you want to see who wins!!!! Watch!

Update on Carly

I am quickly realizing what a long road we have ahead of ourselves.

Carly is doing great just getting over a cold but growing fast. She has started rolling over all the time and is now eating vegetables instead of just a bottle.

We had a fantastic weekend out a Falcon Lake with my parents and with my brothers family. We went fishing and for walks and had bonfires it was a great family get together and Carly sure does fit in. I am pretty sure I only got to hold her like three times in the last four days. My nephew Nic is IN LOVE with Carly he is constantly telling people she is "My Baby Carly", and giving her kisses and hugs (Although he still needs to understand that she is only 1/3 his size, so barrel rolling over her while she is lying on the carpet is not such a good idea) but he sure does love her.

For the past two weeks Carly's birth mother has been having visitation. These meeting are for 5 hours 2 times a week. Although they are good for the mother I am noticing how stressful they are on Carly. When she comes home from them she is restless she won't eat, she won't sleep and she won't even smile. If you know Carly all she does is smile.

I never would have imagined the stress that these visits could put on a now four month old child. Crazy how they can read our emotions. This is such a learning experience for Shawn and I. I think we will be forever aware of how our emotions can affect our Children (Future Children).

This past weekend Carly's mom went A-Wall again. They could not find her and when they did they realized just how bad her drug addiction is. Although I can truly say I am so sad for her and would really like her to be/get healthy I see just another example of why Shawn and I are better candidates as parents.

Please pray that Child and Family Services will see this and push this case through the system even faster. I am concerned for the safety of Carly if we don't end up with her. The system is very odd and I have heard horror story after horror story about it but I am keeping the faith that God has everything in control and he knows what he is doing.

Thank you for all your prayers. We are so grateful knowing that people are praying for us and are behind us.

Also if you could please pray for the birth mother that she would see the opportunity this is for her to get better and what an opportunity her child has to have a great home to grow up in with us.

Thanks again.

Until next time <><

The Funeral Business

I think you have to be a different type of person to work in the Funeral Industry. The first thing people ask me when they find out where I work is "Isn't it sooo depressing?" Funny thing is I don't find it that depressing. I can say that the people I work with are very UP Beat funny people.

In order to be able to face grieving people all day you need to be able to shake it off at the end of the day. This is for sure a LEAVE YOUR WORK AT WORK kind of place. If you were to start bringing home all the things that we experience throughout the day we WOULD be really depressed.

There are certain defining moments though that make you question whether or not you can hack it. I remember within my first month of working in the funeral home we had a sixteen year old boy commit suicide in a very (for lack of a better word) different way. I will never forget the feeling in the office that day. No one laughing or joking, no stopping by others desks on your way somewhere just to chat, just sitting staring mindlessly into my computer.

I remember driving home bawling wondering okay can I do this...do I want to do this....wondering why God takes people so young..wondering why does dying need to be a part of life and then it hit me dying IS a part of life. We don't often know why it happens the way it does or why it happens so early for some but it is the one thing that all humans have in common. We all live to die and see others around us die.

This all sounds pretty depressing but really its not it has actually given me a bright outlook on life. Everyday I am reminded that I need to live life to the fullest not complaining about the little things or even the big things. Of course I still do but God kinda seems to give me a kick in the butt everyday I come into work with a sour attitude. Things can ALWAYS be worse.

I often get to put together video tributes of peoples lives. I have to say what an honour it is that families trust me with this responsibility. I really enjoy looking at the pictures people are so interesting and to be able to relive their journey and create a tribute to them is the reason I still work in the funeral industry.

Grieving people sure teach me a lot. Through them I have learned the importance of having a support group, being honest about everything and forgiveness. You can sure tell the difference when families are at peace when their loved one passes compared to if families have left things unsaid between each other.

Remember that life is so short. We never know what tomorrow brings us but as long as we go to sleep at night at peace with everyone, with yourself and knowing that you have done everything in your power to bless the people around you that day whatever happens tomorrow will be easier to handle.

And NEVER forget to tell those you love how much they mean to you! EVERYDAY!

So LOVE YOU ALL!!

Until next time.

New to the Blogging World

I have decided that I should join the blogging world. I am not sure if anyone will ever read my blog but I though it would be a good way to get my thoughts out of my head so they aren't driving me nuts!

Life right now is crazy.

We have a foster daughter. She is four months old on the 25th of August. She is the most beautiful little girl. She smiles and laughs and plays all day long. We are so blessed to be able to care for this little girl. On a daily basis I realize that she is the one blessing us not us blessing her.

This is my delema though, surley God knows what he is doing. I know that he called Shawn and I to care after this amazing little lady. I feel like this is the first time I have heard God in a long time and I know that this is what we are supposed to do. The hardest part though is trusting that he will help protect our hearts.

To have to give this little girl back to her 16 year old mother at the end of all of this is going to break me. I know that we were called to do this even if it was just for a short time. I know that God has a plan in it all but how do you just hand over a baby that you know you are better suited and prepared to look after than her mother.

Although in my heart of hearts I want her mother to grow up and get her stuff together, there is a part of my wishing she would fail for at least just three or four more months. If that was the case the court would give Shawn and I the option to adopt Carly and we would.

I knew what we were getting ourseleves into and I know that chances are we will probably be handing Carly back to her mom after three months but I can dream right.

GOD HAS A PLAN. GOD HAS A PLAN. This thought runs through my head all day every day.

I need to learn to be grateful for the time we have right now. TODAY. Stop looking ahead and start looking at the fact that we have her for now. I want to teach her as much as I can in three months. Teaching her is fun and rewarding. Since we have had her she has started rolling over. What a trip. Watching babies. They are so RAD!

Wow, not sure I am so good at this blogging thing. I don't finish my thougts very well. Must be the ADD.

Since I have been at work for you know an hour now and not done one stitch of work I ought to go and do that.

Until next time...