Just a short note

Things with Carly still chaos as usual but God has given me peace about it.

Peace,

It is funny this place God has me. For about the past two to three years of my life I have noticed that I have had major anxiety issues. I often find myself lying in bed feeling anxious. After Shawn's mom passed I thought that it would end. When it didn't I began thinking what is my issue.

Finally it seems to be ending I have began just letting things go and praying alot. Michelle our pastor's wife spoke in church a couple weeks ago and I found it so up lifting. I need to focus on doing good for others!

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

I decided I am not giving up! I am going to move forward. I need to continue in my life moving forward for me, My husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.

I will not be scared anymore of what MAY happen I need to focus on what IS happening.

As for Carly, I am not sure if we will end up having her permanently but I can only pray and have faith that God has a plan. Whether this plan is to be full time with Shawn and I or not I pray that he places Carly with the family that can give her the stability and love she deserves.


A few things I am thankful for:

My husband and Daughter. Watching them play together brings me soooo much joy. Hearing them laugh at each other melts my heart.

One of my good friend's mom is in Haiti right now.... reading her blog has inspired me. I can only hope that one day I can mirror the selflessness and faith that she has.

My Mom. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me no matter what. She is my best friend.

I am VERY excited about meeting my new niece. Can't wait, what will she look like? her hair colour, her eye colour OH MAN SOOO Excited!!!!

Going to the Gym with my beautiful friend Jae! It is very uplifting having someone beside you that you love at the gym. I often feel like I want to give up and forget going but she ALWAYS encourages me to keep pressing forward.

I am thanking Jesus for what he has given me and looking forward to the days ahead!!!!

NEEDS PRAYER!!!!!!!

Hey All,

There are some new developments in the Carly situation, most that I can't talk about yet. ALL I can say is that we NEED PRAYER! Things are not looking good for us and we need a miracle.

GOD STILL PERFORMS MIRACLES and I am certain with all my heart that he will do what is best for Carly in this situation. PLEASE pray with us.

I will up date more when I can

Thats all for now.................

Thoughts about the Carly situation.

I have not updated in a while due to the fact I am not really sure what to say.

We have Carly on another term position until May 1st. Carly turns one year on April 25. This is a concern to us because we told CFS that we did not want to foster long term. Not that we don't want to help BUT that our hearts could not handle having her for a year and then handing her back.

At this point Carly's mom has ran away three or four times since the beginning of our time with Carly, BUT she is back on track yet again and CFS has nothing to say but very positive things about her and how great she is and on and on.

Although we are happy that she has chosen a good path in life at this point we are very realistic about it all. She has not stayed on track for more than three months before. If she does at this point CFS says that she will have a good chance at getting Carly back.

At what point are we going to have an end to all of this madness? At what point do they stop and think of Carly? Carly has now been in our home for a total of 6 months and will continue to be for sure until May 1st (10 months).

Carly has become completely attached to us and we with her. I can not go anywhere in our apartment with out her tailing behind and she now calls Shawn "DA DA" the second word she learned.

I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had crying out to God about this. I know that we were called to do this. I know it is what God wanted us to do, but what I am not understanding is how come even though we were faithful in doing so, we still need to go through hell until we finally know what will happen.

I think of people who do this all the time and wonder how they can handle it. I guess our situation is a little different because we went into this thinking and being told that after three months if Carly's mom was not on track we would be able to adopt.

I admire those that can foster full time. I on the other hand decided that I am so not the type of person that could do this over and over again. My heart bleeds for children who are lost in the system. It bleeds for those who have been placed in homes that are so loving and safe but get ripped out and given back to an unstable family.

I understand the importance of giving the biological parents a chance but after six months of chances and constant failing is it still better for the child in question to keep being used as a pawn for good behaviour?

This is the thing. Shawn and I LOVE CARLY like she is our own. We ALWAYS put Carly's well being in front of our own. How many times does the biological mother get to put her well being in front of her own child's before CFS figures out that She is not ready to parent nor will she ever be ready to parent this child.

This blog seems harsh but it is MY heart right now. I am not sure how to pray about this any more and I even feel guilty telling everyone about it because I feel as though maybe Shawn and I are being selfish.

Please join with us in praying for what is best for Carly and if in the end it is best for her to be with her bio-mom then please help us pray for our hearts. This will be a HUGE thing for us and I am praying that we can recover.

We keep reminding each other that this is what God has called us to do. I know he has a big plan, it is just very VERY hard to see at the moment. We need to have more faith.

Faith it is a hard thing........

Thank you all for understanding where we are at.

I hope no one gets offended by how frank I am when I talk about this situation but I have to be real.. and this is what I am feeling.


That is all for now......

One Month Ago Today......................

Katherine Gaylo Coulson
December 7, 1937 – December 7, 2009

It was her birthday, a day when we were all going to celebrate with her at the hospital with balloons and cake but instead we celebrated with tears and memories.

Shawn’s mom was a feisty lady; she fought a well fought battle with cancer for three years. By the end the cancer had spread throughout her whole body yet her heart stayed strong.

It was two thirty in the morning when we got the call to head down to the hospital. So Shawn and his brother went first, at first I stayed behind with Carly, Shawn was to call if it was important I be there so I knew that when I got the call 20mins later from Shawn that I had better head down there it was going to be the end. I dropped Carly off with my brother and went to the hospital.

When I got there to my surprise Gay was still coherent, she still knew who everyone was and although she could not talk we knew she was happy we were all there with her. At one point I said to her Happy Birthday, it’s your birthday today and she just shrugged her shoulders like of course it’s my birthday today.

It was not until around 10:00 – 11:00ish when she left us. Shawn’s Sister, Shawn’s Brother, Shawn and I got to be there with her the few hours before she went. I will never forget the feeling in the room that day. I remember everyone’s brave smiles and fake laughter. I remember when Gay actually gave Shawn heck for fooling around, she pointed at him and he knew what she was saying even though she couldn’t talk.

In the little time that I had the privilege to know her, Gay made a HUGE impact in my life. She taught me perseverance, patients, and also about how life is too short to not say what is actually on your mind.

She raised three kids all on her own, although they never had money, a huge house, or expensive things her kids ALWAYS were loved, clothed and fed.

We will never be able to fill the void that Gay left us with that day, but hopefully we will be able to keep her memory alive and honour her the way she deserved to be honoured.

December 7, 2009, although a sad day, it could not have been a better way for her to go. As she breathed her last breath we knew she was ready.

Thank you Jesus for the time you gave us with such a beautiful lady.