Isn't it funny

Last night I probably got only 2 hrs worth of sleep.

This is probably due to the fact that I had a husband who is sick and coughed all night long, a daughter who was not tired AT ALL and who now realizes that she can get out of her bed and come into mommy and daddy's room and tell me that she has to pee (Which while your potty training is actually a wonderful thing) or she wants milk or for me to sing her twinkle or just to tell me that she has Tinkerbell on her bed. Also that I have two cats in a new apartment and that both decided to explore all night long rummaging through things and running around on my bed.

So as I lie awake surrounded by a sick husband, a 22 month old who really only wants to play and two crazy cats I look over at the time and realize it is still only 2:30 in the morning but instead of feeling super grumpy and frustrated I felt blessed.

I am blessed that I am not alone, I am blessed to have Shawn someone to share my life with and who has the ability to forgive and make me laugh like no one else, I am blessed to have Carly who after almost two years of fighting I get to call her my own and I am even blessed to have my cats who Carly loves to bits and for some reason they always know when I am feeling down and need a good snuggle.

Needless to say I can barley keep my eyes open today because I am so freakin tired but I am also feeling very loved and blessed and for that I could not be more thankful!

Over a year...

It has been over a year since my last post. WOW...

Things in the last year have been complete and udder choas in my life. There have been ups and down and even bigger ups and even bigger downs and everything imbetween.

My biggest Up though has been that we are now able to ADOPT Carly!

It is not legally finalized although in my mind it is. What a relief!!!

We just moved in to a bigger apartment this past weekend and painted Carly's room all purple and stuff, my parents bought her a cute little tinkerbell bed (SPOILED) and the other day I just sat at the foot of her bed and watched her sleep for like half an hour. I just thought to myself, This is my little girl, how excited am I that I will still get to watch her sleep when she is like 15 (of course if she ever knew I was doing that at the age of 15 she would probably kill me haha).But YAY I am a mom! Being a MOM is the best feeling in the world.

I have had a super rough year spiritually, maybe more then a year. I often found myself not just avoiding but completley running in the opposite direction from God.

I am not even sure where I am at right now except I know it is getting better. It is hard for me to look back on the person that I used to be sometimes and think of how close I felt to God back then. I know that I cannot work at camp everyday of my life or live in my old youth pastors house and that I need to find God in my own way and have my OWN relationship with him and not piggy back on others, but where do I start after all this time away. Where do I find the WANT to start. I know the dark places that I have been in the last year or so. I know the other areas that I have been searching, But part of me doesn't want to let go. I keep telling myself I am having fun, I can do this on my own, I don't need God or I am hurt by God or by others that follow God but what good has come from it.

I know, I know how horrible do I sound and how selfish do I ALWAYS sound but this is how I feel. I guess the thing that I find comfort in now is no matter how far I run and how hard I try to get away God has always been there and will ALWAYS be there.

If you are the praying type I ask for prayer, prayer for my relationship with God and with my family.

That is where I am with that. I am not even sure what else to say but that is what was on my mind and I feel like I just verbally vomited on the screen but yeah after a year of not blogging this is where I felt like I should start.

That is it, and as Carly would say PEACE OOOUT!!!

Just a short note

Things with Carly still chaos as usual but God has given me peace about it.

Peace,

It is funny this place God has me. For about the past two to three years of my life I have noticed that I have had major anxiety issues. I often find myself lying in bed feeling anxious. After Shawn's mom passed I thought that it would end. When it didn't I began thinking what is my issue.

Finally it seems to be ending I have began just letting things go and praying alot. Michelle our pastor's wife spoke in church a couple weeks ago and I found it so up lifting. I need to focus on doing good for others!

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

I decided I am not giving up! I am going to move forward. I need to continue in my life moving forward for me, My husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.

I will not be scared anymore of what MAY happen I need to focus on what IS happening.

As for Carly, I am not sure if we will end up having her permanently but I can only pray and have faith that God has a plan. Whether this plan is to be full time with Shawn and I or not I pray that he places Carly with the family that can give her the stability and love she deserves.


A few things I am thankful for:

My husband and Daughter. Watching them play together brings me soooo much joy. Hearing them laugh at each other melts my heart.

One of my good friend's mom is in Haiti right now.... reading her blog has inspired me. I can only hope that one day I can mirror the selflessness and faith that she has.

My Mom. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me no matter what. She is my best friend.

I am VERY excited about meeting my new niece. Can't wait, what will she look like? her hair colour, her eye colour OH MAN SOOO Excited!!!!

Going to the Gym with my beautiful friend Jae! It is very uplifting having someone beside you that you love at the gym. I often feel like I want to give up and forget going but she ALWAYS encourages me to keep pressing forward.

I am thanking Jesus for what he has given me and looking forward to the days ahead!!!!

NEEDS PRAYER!!!!!!!

Hey All,

There are some new developments in the Carly situation, most that I can't talk about yet. ALL I can say is that we NEED PRAYER! Things are not looking good for us and we need a miracle.

GOD STILL PERFORMS MIRACLES and I am certain with all my heart that he will do what is best for Carly in this situation. PLEASE pray with us.

I will up date more when I can

Thats all for now.................

Thoughts about the Carly situation.

I have not updated in a while due to the fact I am not really sure what to say.

We have Carly on another term position until May 1st. Carly turns one year on April 25. This is a concern to us because we told CFS that we did not want to foster long term. Not that we don't want to help BUT that our hearts could not handle having her for a year and then handing her back.

At this point Carly's mom has ran away three or four times since the beginning of our time with Carly, BUT she is back on track yet again and CFS has nothing to say but very positive things about her and how great she is and on and on.

Although we are happy that she has chosen a good path in life at this point we are very realistic about it all. She has not stayed on track for more than three months before. If she does at this point CFS says that she will have a good chance at getting Carly back.

At what point are we going to have an end to all of this madness? At what point do they stop and think of Carly? Carly has now been in our home for a total of 6 months and will continue to be for sure until May 1st (10 months).

Carly has become completely attached to us and we with her. I can not go anywhere in our apartment with out her tailing behind and she now calls Shawn "DA DA" the second word she learned.

I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had crying out to God about this. I know that we were called to do this. I know it is what God wanted us to do, but what I am not understanding is how come even though we were faithful in doing so, we still need to go through hell until we finally know what will happen.

I think of people who do this all the time and wonder how they can handle it. I guess our situation is a little different because we went into this thinking and being told that after three months if Carly's mom was not on track we would be able to adopt.

I admire those that can foster full time. I on the other hand decided that I am so not the type of person that could do this over and over again. My heart bleeds for children who are lost in the system. It bleeds for those who have been placed in homes that are so loving and safe but get ripped out and given back to an unstable family.

I understand the importance of giving the biological parents a chance but after six months of chances and constant failing is it still better for the child in question to keep being used as a pawn for good behaviour?

This is the thing. Shawn and I LOVE CARLY like she is our own. We ALWAYS put Carly's well being in front of our own. How many times does the biological mother get to put her well being in front of her own child's before CFS figures out that She is not ready to parent nor will she ever be ready to parent this child.

This blog seems harsh but it is MY heart right now. I am not sure how to pray about this any more and I even feel guilty telling everyone about it because I feel as though maybe Shawn and I are being selfish.

Please join with us in praying for what is best for Carly and if in the end it is best for her to be with her bio-mom then please help us pray for our hearts. This will be a HUGE thing for us and I am praying that we can recover.

We keep reminding each other that this is what God has called us to do. I know he has a big plan, it is just very VERY hard to see at the moment. We need to have more faith.

Faith it is a hard thing........

Thank you all for understanding where we are at.

I hope no one gets offended by how frank I am when I talk about this situation but I have to be real.. and this is what I am feeling.


That is all for now......

One Month Ago Today......................

Katherine Gaylo Coulson
December 7, 1937 – December 7, 2009

It was her birthday, a day when we were all going to celebrate with her at the hospital with balloons and cake but instead we celebrated with tears and memories.

Shawn’s mom was a feisty lady; she fought a well fought battle with cancer for three years. By the end the cancer had spread throughout her whole body yet her heart stayed strong.

It was two thirty in the morning when we got the call to head down to the hospital. So Shawn and his brother went first, at first I stayed behind with Carly, Shawn was to call if it was important I be there so I knew that when I got the call 20mins later from Shawn that I had better head down there it was going to be the end. I dropped Carly off with my brother and went to the hospital.

When I got there to my surprise Gay was still coherent, she still knew who everyone was and although she could not talk we knew she was happy we were all there with her. At one point I said to her Happy Birthday, it’s your birthday today and she just shrugged her shoulders like of course it’s my birthday today.

It was not until around 10:00 – 11:00ish when she left us. Shawn’s Sister, Shawn’s Brother, Shawn and I got to be there with her the few hours before she went. I will never forget the feeling in the room that day. I remember everyone’s brave smiles and fake laughter. I remember when Gay actually gave Shawn heck for fooling around, she pointed at him and he knew what she was saying even though she couldn’t talk.

In the little time that I had the privilege to know her, Gay made a HUGE impact in my life. She taught me perseverance, patients, and also about how life is too short to not say what is actually on your mind.

She raised three kids all on her own, although they never had money, a huge house, or expensive things her kids ALWAYS were loved, clothed and fed.

We will never be able to fill the void that Gay left us with that day, but hopefully we will be able to keep her memory alive and honour her the way she deserved to be honoured.

December 7, 2009, although a sad day, it could not have been a better way for her to go. As she breathed her last breath we knew she was ready.

Thank you Jesus for the time you gave us with such a beautiful lady.

A little bit of everything

Having a hard time knowing where to begin with this blog……… so I just wrote exactly what popped into my head so if it doesn’t make sense that is why

You never really are fully prepared to handle when someone dies…..no matter how much advance notice you get.

I am just realizing now how scared I am….I think that I we have been so busy with life that I haven’t really thought hey, Shawn’s mom really is going to be gone. I don’t think I have really come to the realization that this is reality.

Carly has been so sick with a cold she has such an awful cough…scares the crap out of you sometimes I didn’t think that someone so little could get such a HUGE adult cough. I now understand what mom’s feel like when their kids are sick. You want to be able to take it all away and get them better. I didn’t sleep very well constantly checking the crib to see if she was alright. She is doing much better now still has her cough but it is WAY better.

We moved Shawn’s mom out of her apartment thanks to my family we got it done fairly quickly. So SAD. It was hard very emotional. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and weep.

I kept thinking so this is what it comes to…our time on earth. We work so hard at getting ahead just to smack right into a wall at the end. It makes me appreciate the little things.

TIME! We don’t have much time, instead of missing out on fun things because we are working or to tired or doing laundry etc etc. I need to focus on the people that matter the most. Memories with people you love are far more important than the things that I own.

I feel like I have been a pretty bad friend lately, I have not really kept in touch with anyone. I am not sure what it is but staying at home all warm and cozy has seemed to feel more safe than anything. It is like when I go outside reality hits…..Like oh man here we go what can happen next…..crazy I know but its how I think sometimes.

I have promised myself that I will be a better friend. To catch up with those I love because I realize now that is what we need more than ever.

I have a great family. My mom and dad do everything for Shawn and I. I am so blessed to have them. I am so thankful that they are so great, don’t think Shawn and I could do it without them!! Also my brother and his family as well…..everyone is so understanding and willing to jump in and help whenever. Being surrounded by family gives me the same feeling I have on Christmas morning…….I love it. There is nothing better!!!

I come from a BIG Family…..just recently I unfortunately had to attend my Grannie’s funeral it was SO hard but having my LARGE and by large I mean HUGE family there and seeing everyone again was a blast. I know that Grannie would have loved it. I know that she DID love it watching all of us together.

Anyway, this is getting so long…… I am impressed if you are still reading till this point as I often ramble and things don’t often make sense…… but yeah

This is all I have for now……

Until next blog…….